As many of you know, my best friend is a very awkward man named Tas. I’ve frequently spoken about how awkward he is and how I’m trying to find him a girlfriend. While all this was happening, we would frequently get asked how long we’d “been together,” as if we were a couple. For about six years we would just explain that no, we’re not together and we’re just best friends.
But it seemed that everyone “shipped” us, so much so that when we announced on Facebook that we’re in a relationship we were both bombarded with messages all saying “congratulations” and “finally!”

So this is the story of how I met Tas…

It all started in school; as we became best friends people started asking questions. Apparently it’s just impossible to comprehend that a guy and girl can be best friends as a lot of people were convinced we were together even then. I distinctly remember our maths teacher thinking we were together. We sat next to each other.
She told him to break up with me.
In front of me.
It was that moment which made me think I was done. My life – what even was it?

Tas is one of the greatest people I’ve ever met, and I’ve not kept that a secret, but there’s always been something fundamentally undateable about him for me. I just could never picture the two of us together. It was weird, like imagining you with a relative.
The love I have for Tas rivals the love I had for Sammy, my pet Siamese fighter fish. He died. It was a sad toilet flush moment.

Okay maybe that’s not entirely accurate; I think I’d be an actual crying, emotional mess if I had to flush Tas down the toilet.

I’m really not sure why so many people were convinced we were together, for such a long time. Looking back on it, I’ve never acted any differently around him than I do with my other friends. We never held hands, randomly hugged, and to be honest we (still) spend about 80% of our time insulting each other. Just like best friends do. I laugh at his witty puns, he laughs at my completely wet-yourself hilarious jokes; I tell him when he needs to grow up and stop being such an annoying boy and he tells me when I need to man up and stop being such a woman. All while crying over TV shows.

We once went to a Paramore gig together and spent about 4 hours queuing (he wanted to get close to the front so that Hayley Williams would notice him and fall in love) and in that queue we made some friends. Who were convinced we were together. And then spent a very long time trying to convince us we’d end up together. Needless to say they were very happy (and partially smug) once the Facebook announcement was made.

There were a lot of reactions to that announcement – it was actually frightening. However many of them made me smile. My pick of the best reactions are…

“Tas I knew you were an Asian lover in denial”

“OH MY GOD, FINALLY!”

“IS IT REAL??????”

“Does this mean I have to start being nice to Tas?”

“INTERRACIAL RELATIONSHIPS FTW!”

“Team #SeeTas” (this one wasn’t a reaction, I just rly love the fact we have our own ship name)

And I can’t miss out the ever popular

“Oh I f***ing knew it!”

Thanks guys. Really. Thank you.

And now here come’s Tas gloating part:

WE. ARE. NOT. IN. A. RELATIONSHIP.
THIS. IS. ALL. FAKE.
WE. FOOLED. YOU.

Yes kids, you heard it here first!
After years of having the subject suggested, questioned, lectured, suggested, joked about, cried about and suggested (it was suggested a hella lot) we decided to just tell people that the ship they all shipped so hard set sail. Just to see what happens. In the name of science.
Tas’ previous attempt to nullify such suggestions didn’t really go to plan. So the only logical and reasonable thing left to try was to just go with it and tell people we were together, and make their dreams a reality.

Only to then break those dreams down.

Guys, we never have been together, we are not currently together, we never will be.

How do we know? We acted like we were and convinced all our friends that our “relationship” was a real thing, and let me tell you now – awkward conversations were had. Just having to think about being with Tas while explaining “us” to my closest friends made me feel awkward. Then someone asked if we had kissed and it was game over, I had to just wildly change the subject before I cried.

Guys, this ship sank before it even set sail.
Sorry not sorry.

This wild plan wasn’t even my idea; for those who don’t know – Tas likes to gloat. He likes to troll people. He lives for the lies.
I’ve never trolled anyone and I didn’t really see what harm could come from it, seeing as all I needed to do was reply with “yes” to every “are you together?” question that was thrown my way. Tas can gloat to David and Danny now, and I can go back to watching RuPaul’s drag race on Netflix and sobbing over that fact that I’ll never be as fabulous as RuPaul.

I hope this whole thing has cleared it up for you, and I speak on behalf of Tas and myself when I say we really are sorry for lying to you all. And for building up dreams. And now shooting them down again.

But please, please, stop telling us to get together. We just wouldn’t work. We couldn’t even pretend to be more than friends. We even agreed that if we did ever end up together, we would spend half our time insulting each other and the other half trying to avoid each other. What kind of relationship is that?!

Again, I’m so very very sorry for lying to you all. Tas really isn’t sorry, but I truly am. I am willing to buy you a drink if you’d let me. Providing it’s like a coke, or something.

This ship is just not the ship that ships harder than all other ships. I’m sorry, shippers.