Pizza + Netflix = Winning at Life

If you’re aged 20 or over, are single and unemployed, it can feel like the world is out to get you and that your life totally sucks on some days. Especially when all your childhood friends are in relationships, are engaged, or even popping out kids, while you’re sat there debating on whether to start re-watching Heroes or How I Met Your Mother, whilst watching re-runs of Friends.

This is a feel that I know all too well; some days it takes an absolute buttload (a legit unit of measurement) or two to even find the motivation to get out of bed in the morning, and not attempt to find happiness at the bottom of a bottle of wine. Most days you feel like just staying in your jammies all day, in the safe and warm comfort of your own duvet-fort, blocking out everyone around you and curl up with a book, or your laptop.

I’ve done that before. My Sunday went like this: I woke up, watched an episode of Adventure Time, went to pee and brush my teeth, went downstairs to eat, back up to my room with a mug of tea to watch 50/50, fell asleep half way through, woke up an hour later to watch the rest, and then I ate for the rest of the day. It was a good day – I had minimal contact with people (aside from my family, and one friend who called to cry about her life) and was left to try and block out the poop that life likes to throw sometimes.

Honestly speaking now, I’m not entirely sure where people are finding guys good enough to date. I’ve been so unimpressed with the male population recently, I’m planning out where I’m going to spend the rest of my life, in solitude. The only men that I can see myself marrying right now are either ridiculously hot rock stars that have no idea I exist, or fictional characters from movies and TV shows. What a sad little life…

I don’t understand why some guys act the way they do. Honestly, growing up I never believed all that “you have to play games with guys to make them want you” because seriously? Why can’t you just admit you like someone, flirt outrageously with them, go on a date and then just be together? Why the fuck do you need to play hard to get, or chase them then stop chasing them so they chase you? Who even has the effort for something like that?! Women have all their menses problems (yes I used the term menses – judge me) which they have to try and hide out of fear of being branded a “hormonal wreck”. Women are required to remain composed 24/7 and any show of emotion leads to the “are you on your period?” question from Men. No, my anger towards you is simply fuelled by your stupidity and has caused me to believe that you’re a total dick, which is completely justified by the fact that you just asked that ridiculous question.

I feel like I should cover my arse now, and backtrack a bit to just say: there are some decent guys out there. And I’m not just saying that because they’re my friends or cousins or whatever, I’m purely living in hope. Tas will always listen to my amazing jokes and tell me that they’re shit when really they’re hilarious. He does that to just help me get funnier and funnier, really. David always brings the banter and makes me laugh long enough to forget all the shit in the rest of my life. Although he does have the odd “I smell like a week old weasel” to remind me that he’s still a basic dude… Harry has the annoying-but-you-love-him aspect of a younger brother, the humour of an old friend, and the loyalty of a puppy, and you can’t ask for much more, really.

I now speak on behalf of my friends who continually get messed around with the weird mind-games from guys – lads, STOP. IT. NOW. One day you’re gonna wake up and realise that you had the chance with a hilarious, amazing little hottie, just because you were too busy chasing a skank who wants to use and abuse you.
While you’re out chasing love (and ignoring the babes who actually like you, you dummy) we’re snuggled in bed with pizza and Netflix. Mmm pizza – the only food where you can FEEL the love spreading as you eat it! You chose the life that requires a hella load of effort, and we don’t have to even get out of our jammies or shave our legs.

Talking to people who have the potential to break your heart and piss you off, or staying in bed with pizza and Netflix – pretty clear to see who the real winner is, you feel me?

I Want To Marry My Bed


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