It’s pretty much a universal truth that girls get freebies on a daily basis. Or, at least, get away with more on a daily basis…

Being a girl (in case that wasn’t WILDLY obvious…) this is something that I have definitely noticed a lot, but that’s mainly because I never get free stuff, whereas all my friends do. It’s okay, though, I mean you just kind of get used to it once it’s happened a few times… Or, in my case, your entire teenage and (kind-of) adult life.

At first, I never really understood why it never happens to me. Aside from the obvious fact that I look like a troll amongst the princesses that are my beautiful friends, I didn’t get why I was always overlooked by absolutely everyone! I mean, what did I have to do to just get a free cup of coffee to go?! I got so wound up and confused by this one aspect of daily female life that I just was not a part of, I started questioning some of my closest friends about it. Unfortunately, my closest friends are guys. Little tip, ladies, if you ever want a serious answer to a serious question, don’t ask your guy friends. The answer, 98% of the time, will be something along the lines of: “just get your tits out.”
As much as I would like a free something, I am not about to do that. One, it’s tacky. Two, it’s a little bit slutty. Three, I don’t have nearly enough self-confidence to pull something like that off!

I carried on wondering, just less so because I made peace with the fact that I’m just not pretty enough for anyone to get free stuff, until one day someone asked me what was wrong with my face.

THERE WAS THE ANSWER I WAS LOOKING FOR.

My face is not a pretty sight, as you can probably gather, and this is the reason why I do not get free stuff. I suffer from CBF – Chronic Bitch Face.

I have been blessed (shyeah… it’s a right f-ing blessing!) with a face that makes me look perpetually pissed off. I can’t help it, that’s just the way my face goes. I’m not angry with you; it’s just my face. I don’t mean to look at you like I’m going to feed off your soul; it’s just my face! And that is the burden I have to live with every day of my life!

CBF is the answer I’m sticking with! None of my friends suffer from this annoying illness, and that is why they get freebies and I do not – because my face makes me look like a serial killer.

I’ve made my peace with it now. You go get your free stuff, friends. I have a face that has the ability to terrify everyone I meet, and makes me feel like Adelaide from AHS: Murder House…
-sobs-